A face broken upstairs. I fall down, tumbling I lose my ground. Paint my hair a blackened crown. Lift my head as I cry out.

You're such a good actor. Telling me things I wanted to hear and even things I didn't just so you seemed legit. But all you did was use me; emotionally. You made me get attached in some way then you pull it from me, like a cat and mouse. I don't want to play games with you. I never wanted to fall for you. You were the worse thing for me, especially at this time in my life. At the beginning I figured I knew you well enough, I couldn't actually fall for a guy like you. But you proved me wrong; you made me laugh at the right times, tried to make me feel good about myself when I needed it, even made me aggravated when neccessary. You made me happy. But it was all for you. Maybe you just needed someone to talk to. Someone to fantasize with. Someone to make you feel less alone. And you stubbled onto me. Sad, lonely little me. I don't blame you for that, I'm sure it was plain accident. But you realised, well she's already broken, shouldn't be that much damage on my part. So you pursue talking to me, texting me, calling me. Leading me on to think you were actually going to be, in the least part, my friend. Oh, and who can forget those magic words right? Telling my I was different then any other girl. I'll give you credit for that, I mean I've never heard that one before. And the delivery on it was, may I say, excellent, because I very much believed you. And you pretending to care, that was the worst of it for me. Because I had trouble in the beginning trusting that you cared. I denied it for so long, then when I let myself believe. Well, you definitely proved that I was right all along. I had an idea of what kind of person you were. You made me feel a bit bad about that at first too. Judging you before I "knew" you. I was honest with you. I told you my fears, I was risking myself for you. But it wasn't serious right? I mean, even if you were telling the truth we weren't to be anything serious. Because that would be insane, someone like me and someone like you. But you were faking everything. Don't worry, I also blame myself. I let myself believe everything that came out of your mouth. I let myself read all the signs to my advantage, even when in the back of my mind I was screaming at myself to come back to reality. I can't keep myself from hating you right now. I hate you as much as I hate myself. We're in the same boat. I'm sure I'll get over this sooner or later. I mean, it's not like I loved you or anything. Just strong feelings. But right now, I feel used, and mislead, and hurt, and alone; and whether or not you meant it to happen, I blame you.


You'll never read this, and you'll never know my feelings. And I'd rather keep it that way. Everything I've said is true. I mean, if I were to write this and think you'd actually care, then I would just tell you. But I'm writing this to you, for me. So I can say this without ever having to speak to you.


Heck, maybe this is a good thing. I wont see you, and I wont talk to you. And if that ever does happen, I'll just fake a smile and say "Oh hey. Yes, I'm fine. And how are you?"


But I hope you hurt.


Honestly, I think the worst part was that I wanted it to be real, so bad.

Maybe i know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face.

But darling, you were the only exception.

It's been a full year, today. Wow, feels like only yesterday my heart was being ripped out and handed to me in pieces. We were together a year and somthing right? A year and three months. Yes, I believe so. Ha, look at me asking like i actually didn't know. I know exactly how long. I think I'm the only one...
When we were together it felt like it went by so slowly, which is a good thing since it was the happiest time in my life. Being apart, it doesn't feel as much time has passed. It's agonizing. Twelve painful months. Fifty-two caustic weeks. Three hundred and sixty-five horrid days. Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty-five hours, five hundred twenty-five thousand nine hundred and forty-eight minutes, thirty-one million five hundred and fifty-six thousand nine hundred and twenty-six harrowing seconds; all add up to just one inflamed year...
Curiously, I don't have much to say. After-all, it has been a year. I doubt you can even acknowledge what today is, or what it means. We both know why...
A year ago today, I had the break down of my life. I didn't want to talk, see or come in contact with anything or anyone for months. I skipped school on countless occasions, because I just could not stop myself from crying everytime I opened my mouth to speak..I thought of dropping out.. I was scared to wake up most days because I knew there would be something or someone that would remind me of you. Not that I needed reminding, everytime I shut my eyes you were all I could see, all I could think about. What we used to do together, what movies we've seen, what songs we listened to. God, it was so long before I was even able to listen to music again. There are certain songs that I still can't listen to...
So, it's been a year. Shouldn't I be over this by now? Shouldn't the thought of you not still pierce a whole through what's left of that thing in my chest? Shouldn't your voice not still give me butterflies? Well, what's wrong? My feelings for you are the same as when I first met you. The pain is still as strong. Just because I've learned to control it a little better doesn't mean it isn't still there and that it doesn't still hurt. I don't know how much more of this I can take...Another year?...
I keep trying to think of what it would be like if we got together again. But I can't, not clearly atleast. There's like a giant fog concealing everything, like a huge eclipse. I can't see anything for certain, but I can feel it; happiness, joy, worry, longing, contentment, love. I want that, all of it. I'd take the bad along with the good. That, anything, would be better than what I have been, what I am, and what I will be feeling; hurt, anger, depression, jealousy, sorrow. I'm unable to be with anyone else. no matter who it is, I keep comparing them to you. He's not tall enough, he's not skinny enough, he's not pale enough.. He can't draw, he can't learn guitar in a crazy amount of time, he doesn't see the world as you do, he can't make me laugh the way you do, he can't make me feel the way you do. No one is ever good enough because of you. No one will ever be good enough...

It's only been a year. I have a lifetime more to go. I'm unable to move on.
- December 8, 2009

I'm tired of being alone. I need to meet you again.

Ian closes the door behind them and turns to face Dia.
"What is it with you, Dia? Why is it that you seem to hate everything and everyone so much? Hu?" Dia sits down on the sofa and places her fingers on her temples, "I don't hate everything, Ian. I don't hate anyone! I just..." Ian walks up to Dia, so swiftly that is makes her head golt up, and stands over her. "Just what?!..Just tell me, what is so wrong with your life that you have to take it out on everyone else?" His eyes are so feirce with curiosity. Dia bows her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. She quickly gets to her feet, walks over to the dresser, and crosses her arms across her chest. "Ian, I just.... I just need someone.." "Then find someone, Dia." His voice a little softer this time. Dia turnes around, but she's careful not to look him in the eyes. "It's not..It's not that simple Ian. I want to meet someone.." Ian starts to say somthing but then she realizes something, uncrosses her arms and looks him straight in the eyes..
"But when I meet him, I want it to feel like..
Like when I hear my favorite song for the first time. Raw and acoustic; his hair, his eyes, his skin, his beautiful smile draws me in. And like the lyrics that I can never get out of my head; his mannerisms, his attitude, his opinions, and his soul driving voice makes me want to stay. I want to meet the guy that can or will try to understand that how I view the world is a part of me. And that I can't change that and he can't change that. I want him to not want to change that. I want him to see the small things that I do equally with the big things. I want him to challenge me, my limits, my goals. He needs to take care of me, mostly by making me take care of myself. I want him to not only read my words, but to feel them and have some response.." He starts to look away, so she continues.
"And honesty. I mean, why can't he be honest right? Is that too much to ask of one single person? Honesty...
No one knows what the future holds. But when he says those words...When he tells me, " I love you." And he adds a, " Forever and always." I want to be able to look into his eyes and see the truth in his words. No doubt, no second-guessing. Pure truth. I want him to believe in those words, so I can believe in him."
Ian walks up to her, a gentle, conserned look on his face, and places both hands on the both sides of her arms. "Dia...Dia, I.." She looks at him, her eyes getting more moist my the second. More tears stream down her cheeks. " You love me, but you're not inlove with me.." She closes her eyes as she tilts her head down to face the floor. Takes a step back from his touch and walks towards the door. She stops with her hand on the doornob. " Please, never ask me what's wrong with me when you should be asking yourself.." She quickly turns the nob and proceeds to leave the room.
After the door is shut and there is nothing left with Ian but silence, he sits down on the sofa and puts his head in his hands. " Yes..honesty is too much to ask.."

When you've seen too much, too young, soulless is everywhere.

I have these thoughts. They seep from my brain, through my skull, and from my skin to do harm to you. They will not cease, I can not change them. These thoughts are horrid, they are vile; they are unstoppable. Because of these thoughts I am not worthy to love. They take me by surprise, these thoughts of you; of your face, of your smile, of the sound of your laugh. The thoughts themselves are not of harm or violence. They are just simply you. Of the way you once were, the way we once were. The harm it does to you, you can not feel, you know nothing of it. The harm I speak of is just to me, but in-turn it will damage my memory of you. It will damage eveything I have of you. I stop to breath and there you are, just flashes but it stings. There were tears once, in the beginning, but I am too numb. I've heard of a zombie-state. In which the victim, the subject is so invected with a pain that he/she resorts to not feeling, emotion wise. They go through life as usual, but in some ways 'lifeless'. They do everything they must but that is all. They answer when spocken to, but do not hold conversations, nor ask for it. I believed once that memories were needed. That if you could not rememeber the people in your life, or the things you once loved, that life would be worthless. I've learned that, that is not true. I've learned that most of the time, memories are not needed, they are best forgotten. I am a zombie.

You built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic

Sometimes i get stuck in my own fairytale. Then I realize the rest of the world doesn't see it quite the same. Therefore I feel ridiculous. People are the ruiners. Be ashamed of what you take from others, because you take alot. And I can do nothing about it.

It started with a smile and one lone hello, then I was hooked. I was taken and nothing was losing grip. You were perfect in my eyes and in my mind; and in my heart, you were what I was waiting for. I learned more about you and the feelings grew more intense. There was no stopping it then. As I listen to your voice it's branned in my mind as 'the only voice to listen to'. I stare into your eyes and I see myself; clearly, more vibrantly; it makes me feel like nothing else. You get me high from your very presence. Your smile melts my very soul, I cannot in words describe to you how much I love to see you smile. And that laugh, oh that laugh. I could hear it anywhere and recognise it that very second. It's so unique and so incredibly wonderful. No matter how I'm feeling, I hear your laugh and a certain kind of joy runs through me that I cannot refuse. I can honestly say that i've never, ever felt this way. I have never fell for anyone this fast before. I fell so fast that I doubted myself for a while. I thought I was going too fast, I thought it was just lust, but I know now that I was wrong. I would never call it love, I would never call it like. It's beyond the two. My feelings for you have no name, no lable, no words to fully describe it. You can't carry a tune, but I would listen to you sing for an eternity and yet still insist on more. So, in my head we were perfect for each other. In my head we could have been something great. And that's just it, 'in my head' is all we have/ we will ever be. Everything I felt, everything I thought we were, ...everything was just in my head. My fairytale. My fantasy. My world. Nothing is ever what it seems. Reality is so hurtful. Can't we go to my fairytale land? You can't just pretend? I know the answer. That one night was the end. I realise that now. And i'm so sorry for getting carried away. For letting my heart run wild. For letting my imagination take over. It will never happen again.

But for what it's worth, I will miss you unlike any other. I'll always have my fairytale, locked in my head, and you're welcome anytime.